Holiday Blues
While the holiday season often emphasizes joy and togetherness, for some it can also highlight the empty chairs at our tables and the spaces in our hearts. To anyone anticipating navigating the upcoming holidays with loss, grief, or the end of life in mind, please know that you are not alone. As an End-of-Life Doula, my message to you is one of grace, self-compassion, and presence.
This time of year may bring a mix of emotions: sadness, joy, anger, and/or guilt. It's important to understand that there is no right or wrong way to grieve or celebrate. You need to allow yourself the space to deal with whatever emotions arrive at your door or under your tree, it is your door and your tree after all.
It's ok to be sad when the world tells you to be merry, to be quiet when others are laughing, to be angry when all are joyous. Your feelings are valid and in need of respect, oftentimes, calling attention to and naming these out in the open can help lessen their power.
You have permission to change your mind, your plans, and your traditions even at the last minute. You don't have to meet anyone else's expectations or standards, just your own and your family’s.
Saying "no" to invitations that feel overwhelming may give you the time and space you need. Choose to have a smaller celebration, choose no celebration if it feels right – no need to exhaust yourself, time can be healing.
Step away if you need a moment alone or if you begin to feel uncomfortable, take a walk and then rejoin the crowd if you wish.
Cancel the holidays altogether if that feels right for you this year, do something different. Do think about being alone though, reflecting on what is right for you.
The holidays can be an opportunity to celebrate and remember those who no longer share your physical space, if you are ready.
Talk about your person, mention their name, share stories and laughter.
Remember (and make) that dish they loved so much or incorporate the rituals that you all treasured such as running outside on New Years ringing bells and blowing horns -meaningful rituals keep our memories alive.
Do something new in their memory such as planting a tree, creating an altar, or donating to a cause they were passionate about.
Do something for yourself in celebration of all the ways you were together or there for each other. Your person knew what you were doing, sacrificing, anticipating and they would want this for you.
You are not alone carrying this loss, real or anticipated.
You need time to heal, to incorporate all that you were with them and who you are now.
You need to figure out how you will carry this new situation forward.
Reach out to friends, family, and if you need to, professionals like an End Of Life Doula for help.
Sometimes people want to help but don’t know how or don't know where to start. Don’t be afraid to ask and be specific even if it’s just a hand with errands or a friend to walk and talk about nothing in particular.
As the holidays approach, you may find moments of calm and connection and if you don’t, that’s okay too. Give yourself grace. Things may look different this year, and that’s part of the journey.
Your experience is your own, and love continues beyond distance and time.
Those who know you will save your seat for when you are ready and understand.
